did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize