My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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