I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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