dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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