Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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