my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
