And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
