Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize