Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I could have mohawked her pubes.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
