Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
