toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize