You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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