There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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