DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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