You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
