all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
