You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
