Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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