I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
