The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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