I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
