We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize