saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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