Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize