life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
