There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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