Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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