i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
