I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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