Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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