wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
two words: eviction party
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
