you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize