Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Dicks are not precious.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
