I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Hippo gnu deer
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
