Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
4 words: hood of his car
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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