So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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