Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
