I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Just cropdusted the office
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize