I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Quick, to the slutcave!
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Randomize
