I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
