He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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