so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
