Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
