his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
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