My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
