I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
