You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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