Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
