Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
