At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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