he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
