u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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