Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
