a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
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