Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
