If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize