so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
