we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
