Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
