btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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