I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
